I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
