i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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