I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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