i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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