i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
