hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
