dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
