whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
