My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
