I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize