Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
All I want is dick and wine.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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