I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
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