I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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