He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm passing your future prison.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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