I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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