I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
