dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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