The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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