we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
