Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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