remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
