he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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