I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
