I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I think your dad took our porno
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Randomize
