I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You ruined the universe
Randomize
