I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
