This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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