I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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