the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
