I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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