Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
