It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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