Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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