I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
