Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
