smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
