If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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