i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize