I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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