People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
