you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
