3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
