i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
