I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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