Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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