My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
