if you like me you must not know who I am
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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