i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Enjoy the penises
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
