We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
