So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
