bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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