Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
