I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
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