I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize