There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
