I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
