I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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