how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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