he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
