whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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