all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
